Rejoicing Hen – 11

[NOVEMBER 3, 1990 – Saturday, 2:30 pm] 

Derek

I’d been replaying Sherri’s comments in my head all day, trying to remember if I’d ever mentioned my lifelong dream to Peter.  As we sat at the table, doing schoolwork, I kept glancing across at him.  I’d fallen for him big time, and yet here I was feeling afraid to share my deepest wish with the guy I loved.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so afraid of what he might say?

Well, there was only one way to know.  “Peter…”

My mood must have shown in my voice because I had his attention instantly. He moved quickly from his side of the table, pulled out the chair next to me, and sat.  He took my hand. 

“What is it?”

I gave him a quick smile and squeezed his hand to reassure him.  “What Sherri said last night, do you remember?”

“About you being a ‘natural mother’?”

I nodded.  “Yeah, that; I was thinking how most guys, if she said that to them, they’d be insulted, you know?”

“I do,” Peter replied.  “But not you?”

“No, not at all…in fact, it felt great…”  I shook my head, wondering at how great Sherri’s words had made me feel.  “I can’t help but wonder…”

“It’s OK Derek,” Peter paused and took a deep breath.  “I love you–no matter what–and I’m sure your parents will accept you if you come out as Transgender.”

Oh, Peter, you big goof. 

I couldn’t help it, I burst out laughing.

“What? Isn’t that what you were going to say?” Peter looked even more confused as he waited for me to get myself under control.
“No, Peter, I’m not Trans.” I took a breath, trying to find the right words.  “But I am a nurturing person.  Sherri was right—I am a natural mother.  And since I was a little kid, it’s all I ever really wanted to be.” 

I watched his eyes for any negative reaction, but Peter just pulled me close and leaned my head on his shoulder.  “That’s what’s been bothering you today?” he asked as he held me.

I nodded against his shoulder.  “It’s really the only thing I’ve ever wanted to be—a mother—and I was worried how you’d feel about it because this is a deal-breaker for me.”  I paused, leaned away from him, and met his eyes.  “I want to be a mother, and I couldn’t bear it if you didn’t want to have kids someday, because I want them so badly, but I also want to be with you.”

Peter smiled and kissed my forehead.  “Of course I want children, Derek.  I want whatever is going to make you happy.”